Mother Polka is back yet again these days, on the subject of households, generating a family unit and operating out all the emotions that go with it! We contact this series of posts, by my wonderful mother (a veteran of marriage of over 35 years) “Mother Polka’s Musings“. You can read much more of her musings right here.
When you enter into a marriage your allegiance needs to subtly shift from your childhood family to your companion. Oops – this may possibly sound a little harsh at first! But bear with me!
In the excitement of ‘getting married’ we can overlook the truth that ‘being married’ implies the final separation from the family members unit we grew up in, to a new family members unit we are in the infancy of producing. If we cease to assume about it, there may be a lot of sadness in this – lastly leaving behind our childhood and all that entails. But a new chapter of your life has begun and that can be scary and exciting all rolled up together!
In practical terms, what does this mean? Firstly it does not mean a cutting of ties with your loved ones of origin (if your companion desires you to do that, it is ‘possessing’ not ‘creating’). It does not mean overtly rejecting their values, or not respecting exactly where they are in their lives.
It does imply, that to generate a unit of your personal, running parallel to your original family members units, will entail some give and take, some finding out what is comfy for everyone and some compromise.
What will your loved ones unit look like? What are the factors that matter to you and your companion? What are the ‘rules’ you will reside by? I believe each loved ones has ‘rules’ even when they feel they don’t – about what is acceptable to every member, what is outside their ‘comfort zone’. You could consciously or unconsciously carry on habits you felt comfortable with from your family members residence, or create new ones that sit nicely with each of you.
What are the issues that are ‘not negotiable’ to you as a couple? Agreeing on these things enables you to present a united front when folks attempt to test your resolve.
‘Non negotiables’ that you may need to have to ponder may well incorporate these. Your husband’s mother or your mother is interfering in your lives, criticising what you do or giving ‘helpful hints’ – how do you deal with it as a united front? Will you confide in your mother about individual problems – how does your husband really feel about this? Your parents are provided a important to your home. They preserve accessing your property with no knocking at any time of day or night – how do you deal with this issue? Having celebrations that do not include your parents or siblings every single time – how do you negotiate this? Making your personal household traditions – what is meaningful to you, what can you compromise on?
Re-negotiating loved ones ‘rules’ will need to have grace, tact and loads of time. It indicates acceptance and tolerance on the part of parents and siblings to squeeze your new unit into the family members circle. It means a sense of humour and a huge dose of humility on each sides to negotiate this occasionally rocky path.
But standing firm is about believing that what you are performing is correct for you as a couple – and that is what is essential right here and now.
Want More? Verify Out These Posts:
- Mother Polka’s Musings – Inspiration
- Mother Polka’s Musings – Becoming Yourself
- Mother Polka’s Musings – Exactly where Is The Groom?